“The years between eighteen and twenty-eight are the hardest, psychologically. It’s then you realize this is make or break, you no longer have the excuse of youth, and it is time to become an adult – but you are not ready.”—Helen Mirren (via imnotchaste)
I’ve got no family I’ve got no friends. I’ve got a place to be but is that the way I’m supposed to be? I’ve done some wrong and I’m realizing this 4 steps in. The water is brisk and the sky is a tad darker. “Don’t get lost”, that’s all I’ve ever wanted, but not this way. I was always where I could have ever wanted to be. Just there. The chaos of it all was the best thing I could have asked for. It hurt but I felt. Clean slates and perfection. Not me. I hate perfect, I want my mess. Some one understanding and a warrior to fight with me, a love who can read my brain, I’m far too ridiculous for you. Nothing is perfect and I don’t ever want to try to make it that way. Flying fish and disco biscuits, Lucy and her dancing mushrooms. BAHAH how long could this possibly last?
It’s not about the kissing, holding hands, the dates, the sex, and showing off. It’s about being with someone who makes you happy in a way that no one else can. It’s about being with someone who accepts you and your weirdness. It’s about being yourself around them and they can be their self around you.
So, I did something crazy. Kind of insane, a little out of the ordinary and I think completely idiotic.Late night and rant about to happen. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore, I think that was the first clue after this huge thing I just did without a thought. People stop talking to you, stop caring, so you stop talking too. Of course you still care but one day you hope you can just let it go. In my case, I don’t think thats possible. At all. So you try to do other things to forget. Other things that top everything youve ever done. I dont think im meant to settle, i dont think im meant to be stable. I dont think im meant to stay in one place with one person. I think Im a train wreck and Ive learned to accept me. I dont believe many others will and Im perfectly okay with that. Ill continue to float forever, and one day Ill make all of you proud to have known me. Where to next?
push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
“I want you everywhere, by my side and between my thighs.
I want your flowers in my hair and your name under my nails.
I want you with me, your sugar in my tea, my eyelashes on your sheets.
Write your name on me, when my heart breaks, I want it to be blinding.”—- Du, J.M (via therealbrooklyn)